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Why We Do Not Gentle Parent!

Angelica Jones

You may have heard of Gentle parenting but what is Gentle Parenting exactly? Is it a new fad or is it actually a studied and researched Parenting Style going by a new name?

While gentle parenting has good intentions, many parents get it wrong and that’s because gentle parenting quickly becomes a parenting style called Permissive Parenting. Read on to learn the effects of permissive parenting, why you don’t want your gentle parenting to be permissive, and how to prevent being a permissive parent.

Why Do Parents Choose Gentle Parenting

Maybe you remember a time when you felt overruled or undervalued by your parent or an adult. You might feel residual inadequacies from these emotional memories and thus never want your child to feel these same feelings when they grow up. You want your child to grow up to be strong-minded, self-confident, loving, caring, and gentle with others and you believe your child will learn by your example. While this is partly true, you can also teach your child to be egocentric, increase their behavioral misconduct and aggression, and negatively affect their self-discipline and self-responsibility in the long run by being so “gentle” you’re actually “permissive.”

Gentle Parenting Without Limits Is Called Permissive Parenting

The way to do gentle parenting wrong is by grinning and bearing all bad behavior without clearly setting and stating limits. This is called Permissive Parenting.

Permissive parenting, sometimes called “indulgent parenting,” is a style of child-rearing that features two key traits: being nurturing and warm (which is good for kids), and being reluctant to impose limits (which is problematic).

(Dewar, 2010, para. 6)

You may think you are teaching patience but really what is forgotten is discipline and accountability. Our kids need us to be their guides.

A counter-parenting style to Permissive Parenting is Authoritative Parenting, which is a far better option for parents who want the best outcome for their children (see comparison list of effects below.) Authoritative parents set limits and impose boundaries but still communicate with their children and offer moments of connection and feedback. (Dewar, 2010)

Permissive Parenting When Compared to Authoritative Parenting

  • When compared to kids with authoritative parents, kids with permissive parents tend to exhibit higher levels of aggression and behavioral misconduct.

  • A study tracking American preschoolers over 10 years, showed that kids with permissive parents were more likely to develop anxiety and depression.

  • Young children with permissive parents have been studied to have trouble sleeping and spend more time with a screen.

  • When compared to kids of authoritative parents, kids with permissive parents tend to be less responsible and less self-disciplined.

(Dewar, 2010, Effects of permissive parenting)

The Problem With “Gentle” Parenting Done Permissively

1. It’s Not Always Genuine

Let’s be real, kids push our buttons. We do our very best but there are times when we may hit our limit or a boundary may have been crossed. By having gentleness be your main concern, you can come off as condescending or even passive-aggressive if YOU as a parent are actually feeling tough emotions that you are trying to mask and not effectively communicate.

Adults often try to shield infants from distress by putting on a happy face after a negative experience. But babies know the truth: from as early as 18 months, they can implicitly understand which emotions go with which events,” says Psychology Professor Poulin-Dubois.

Concordia University, 2013

Ultimately, it’s an insult to think your child cannot tell and feel when you are feeling overwhelmed or hurt by their behavior. Researchers are currently examining if a child is so affected by an “emotionally unreliable ” individual giving incoherent cues, that the child’s willingness to help or learn from this person changes. (Dubois, 2013)

2. You Miss Opportunities For Emotional Learning With Your Child

By watching you handle big emotions in reaction to their behavior, you can walk your child through your experience and give them real-life ideas on how they can also cope with their emotions when they bubble up, just as you (and every grown adult) should as well. By always being gentle, you are missing these teachable moments.

Kids should learn that we are all, to some extent, accountable for how we make others feel.

A child needs to see, hear, and understand when their behavior affects someone else so they can learn to be accountable for how they move throughout life and to further develop compassion for others.

Without this, you can breed egocentrism which is a focus on oneself and an inability to understand the perception of others. (Jodi, 2021) Egocentric children are in part created by parents who do not give them the opportunity, direction, along with the example of empathizing with others.

In the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Dr.John Gottman explains that it is important to express your emotions, in a non-abusive and nondestructive way, rather than masking them or bottling them up. By doing so, you are demonstrating to your child that “(1) Strong feelings can be expressed and managed, and (2) Your child’s behavior really matters to you.” (Gottman pg.80)

By always making your child’s emotions the only CENTER of each “hard time,” you are not giving them the opportunity to understand how they can make someone else feel with their certain behaviors.

To learn that people outside of yourself ALSO have tough emotions, is inevitable. To learn this truth at home is the safest place you can begin to learn it.

There’s always time after emotions may run high to settle down into a calm state with your child and explain to them why limits are what they are and why as parents, we protect those limits.

Conclusion

I believe parents choose gentle parenting for good reason but when dealing with a young child between the ages of 2 and 7, it is helpful to remember that “their thinking is influenced by the way things appear rather than logical reasoning” (Mcleod, 2020).

So these ages naturally need a bit more guidance, structure, and time spent teaching emotional balance when compared to the ages of 7 and 11 when you can take a bit of a back seat to your child’s efforts to work through their hard times.

Between the ages of 7-11 is when (according to Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development) a child begins having a more logical understanding of the world. I believe an older child would do well with a more laid-back parenting approach, granting them the autonomy to make their own decisions and to think through their mishaps.

Permissive parents who “gentle parent” children ages 2 through 7 tend to be too lax on their child in an effort to protect their feelings while actually created damaging results, far into their later years.

Consider these two sides to a coin; compassion and self-respect. Kids can learn compassion from adults who show compassion to them and will also learn how to assert limits by learning and having self-respect. Along with compassion, limit setting is learned by watching the parents impose limits and set boundaries.

I appreciate ALL parents making an effort. I am always trying to educate myself on better tactics I can use to raise my children with connection being the priority.

Please leave a comment telling me your opinion on the topic. Where on the spectrum do you stand and how has parenting changed your perspective through the years?

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